The Borderlands - Closure

I've been working on an electronica project since last Wednesday, and so far the process has been really rewarding as a musician, a writer, and a person in general.

The start of this project came about kind of suddenly when I had the urge to write music I could sleep to. Bands like The Postal Service, Moby, and Frou Frou have always been some of my favorites to relax and snooze to. That and the fact electronica music doesn't take a lot of involvement from outside sources was the main motivation for starting this project. As always, I recruited my good friend Jordan Hughes to join me in creating what we hope will be really enjoyable music. Now that we're pretty far into the project, I can pretty much say it won't be that great to listen to while sleeping, but I do hope it'll be fun and maybe even rewarding in some instances for people to just listen to.

We went pretty minimalistic electronica with the instrumentation as to not distract from the basic melodies and the vocals/lyrics. The album will have 8 songs that unfold into somewhat of a story. I wrote and I'm finishing writing this album around a certain relationship I went through with a girl I used to be close with. I guess you could say that this music is an attempt at reconciling that relationship. Some might say that it's an unoriginal or girly idea, but I'm hoping they find that these emotions and stories to be authentic and can accept these songs for what they are. Perhaps you can't relate to falling in love, but maybe you can relate to be alone or rejected? I don't know. You'll have to decide for yourself.

The first track opens up as a preface and an apology. The rest of the tracks are suppose to be representative of the various stages of relationship, the first stage being the day I saw her, next is falling in love, then the darker stages of the relationship, and finally (hopefully) ending with closure. Regardless of the results, I feel like it's something I need to write to end the bitterness I've held inside. I've swallowed a lot of pride when writing these songs, and I hope that it shows. Sometimes it's hard to see that you are the problem and the one who is wrecking things, and that is something that took me a while to realize. Through these songs I've learned a lot about myself and how I've grown through the years. I still don't consider myself a man, but I feel like I'm getting a little bit closer to that day. Until then, I'll just be dude.

Copeland's Final Show in ATL

Last Wednesday, I had the great privilege to see one of the most influential bands on both my art and indie rock music in general play their farewell show in Atlanta.

For the past nine years, Copeland has written and performed their beautifully sewn melodies and rhythms for listeners that were looking for more than the standard bubblegum, mainstream brand of music the majority of the population settles for. Aaron Marsh, the lead vocalist and songwriter of the group, is known for his songs about romance, spirituality, and hope. His smooth falsetto joined with a brilliant delayed guitar, a driving piano, and an intricate drumbeat have been the basis for many songs die-hard fans hold near to their heart. The day Copeland announced that they were breaking up was a said day for music.

On the night of the show, I walked into the Masquerade with an uncontrollable energy as I approached the upper level of the venue. Hundreds of music fans gathered in preparation for the front-runners of Indie Pop to grace the stage with their presence. The overwhelming majority of the crowd was there with unconditional support for the band. When Aaron Marsh walked on stage and picked up his weathered, sunburst Gibson Les Paul and approached the microphone, the crowd could do nothing but scream in hope of what could and should have been Copeland’s best and final show in Atlanta.

The show was not what had been previously expected. The group performed the music as well as one can when they’ve lost the passion they once had for their craft. The set list could have been one of the best Copeland has ever performed, but the songs were void of life. Aaron Marsh appeared as if he had lost all hope. His songs that had once been hauntingly beautiful became nothing more than dead words. No romance. No spirit. No faith. All that remained were memorized melodies and empty lyrics. Instead of springing from his heart, they crawled out of his throat and fell to the crowd’s feet. And we spoke nothing of it.

Every song, we would slip further into denial and applaud louder. We cheered in hopes of waking the frontman up from his slumber. We wanted to see the boy who once wrote, “If you would shine your love down here, I promise I’d reflect it right back at you.” But alas, we could not melt his hardened heart, and Aaron Marsh did not reflect his love back at us. We were nothing more than another show, another crowd. He attempted to personalize the performance by saying Atlanta was like a 2^nd home to him, but even this he said halfheartedly.

I left Atlanta in denial. I tried to convince myself that what I had seen was impressive, but when it comes down to it, I’m not good at lying to myself. I was disappointed that the only time I was going to see one of my heroes perform was leaving such a cynical and hopeless taste in my mouth. I can’t help but think they should have let the crowd have the microphone, for at least the words sung would have been authentic.

I learned from Copeland what the loss of faith and the loss of hope will do to you, and I refuse to let myself ever get that way. Love what you do or find something else to love, but don’t give up on life.

Reason and Faith

A week or so ago I went through some extremely difficult days of confusion in my identity and my beliefs. When I say that, I mean that most people define themselves by what their beliefs are and what they do, and I was crawling through my own heart trying to find what was there. What I found were two people: Marcus of reason and Marcus of faith. These too guys work separately in the office and report to me only when I call upon them for answers.

Reason is very organized, clean, and proper. He abides by social norms and can give justification for why he acts the way he acts, talks the way he talks, and goes where he goes. He constantly thinks about how things work, like how to be successful or how to get a girl. He gives me logical answers for my questions and excels in helping me prepare for most of my endeavors.

Faith is extremely different. He lacks preparation, organization, and cleanliness, but what he is good for is explaining why questions, like "why do I long for love?" or "why is that beautiful?" He excels in helping me connect emotionally and spiritually to nature, people, and God.

Reason and Faith normally stay clear of each other as to avoid confrontation. However, sometimes I feel the need to call upon both for the same question. The war began with the question, "How did we get here?"

Upon asking this question, Reason did research to find an answer. He came up with a few scientific theories, such as the Big Bang, Evolution, Mutation, and Natural Selection.

Faith didn't want to do research but instead tried his best to answer the question using his opinions. He said God created us and because of that we are his children and we are cherished.

Next I asked "What's the evidence for these claims?" Faith shrugged, and Reason stepped up because he thought that he had evidence on his side. He started off sentences with "Scientists have concluded from the data..." and for the most part, He made sense. Faith sat in silence horrified that he didn't have knowledge or history of experiments that tested the existence of a divine being.

I started becoming sick with the idea that my God didn't exist, but unlike most people, I wanted to know the truth wherever the truth lead me, and it felt like I was being lead away from God being the answer. I was angry. I felt betrayed and deceived. Where's the proof? Do I believe in a God because I was born into it, or has he given evidence of his existence? I cannot enslave my senses and be blinded by faith.

I drowned in these thoughts for about 3 days, when suddenly I had moment of clarity. I decided to leave my emotions at the door and sit down with my friends Reason and Faith. I started asking "Why?" and "What?" muddled in with the "How?"

How did the universe begin?
"Possibly the Big Bang, but there are a few other noted scientific explanations," answered Reason.

Is the Earth special?
"Yes. There are a lot of physics involved in why the earth can sustain life versus other planets, and scientists have concluded that we are very rare and lucky to have one planet that meets all the requirements of the Universe. If one of these laws were lost, life could not exist on earth. It's also up for debate whether or not there's a another planet in the Universe that even contains life forms."

How did humans get on Earth?
"Scientists use Evolution as an explanation. They say there was originally one cell that split into billions of cells. Overtime these cells formed the first creatures on earth, which are said to be jellyfish-like animals and also simple plants. Over time, mutation caused these animals and plants to change into different and more complex animals and plants. Thus, life becomes diverse on earth, and eventually down a time line of ancestors we get humans."

What do scientists say caused the Big Bang?
"No one really has an answer for that yet."

How did the first living cell get on earth?
"Scientists can't explain exactly what happened yet. They have done a few experiments dealing with the earth's atmosphere and the forming of amino acids, but they can't explain how the earth went from no life to life."

Why are humans so different from every other life form? Why do we have the ability to love, to make music and art, and to appreciate what we call beauty?
Reason tried to squeak out an answer "We just are..."
However, these last few answers weren't good enough for me.
Faith had sat quietly while Reason dug himself into a hole when it had no answers left. After days of silence, Faith chimed in with logical answers of his own.

"If the Big Bang was the start of the Universe, and that's a big if, something had to cause it. The Universe has been designed with laws. Something had to define those laws that we have no control over. If evolution is the explanation for human life forms, which there are many arguments against Darwinian evolution and it's validity of being the explanation for the complexity and diversity of life on earth, something had to start life with the first cell, and there are no natural causes that can explain it. Lastly, humans have the abilities to love, create, and admire because they were designed to do so. If they were simply animals, these ideas would not exist. There is no scientific explanation for love, beauty, or even light, for that matter, yet only fools would deny that these things exist. You have to have faith that some things cannot and will not be explained through science or reason and yet they do not cease to be real."

These were the conclusions that I came up with after my reason and my faith merged. Sometimes I think we challenge other people with one or the other when they go together so beautifully, or at least in my opinion. One does not necessarily disprove the other.

I am aware that this doesn't explain my reasoning in choosing Christian Spirituality over other theologies, but the foundation for any religion or faith is the existence of some sort of divine being or beings. If you don't first start with the existence of a creator, then you can't come to conclusion that you've found the right one.

The First Post

I want this to be a place where I can write freely without conditions. Whether or not it'll end up being that way is a different story.

I think that if I write down what I'm truly feeling, I'll be able to understand why I am the way I am.

So here's a list of wants and needs:

I want to be earnest and creative without being pretentious.

I need to create to feel important.

I want to be intelligent about subjects I act like I know.

I need to escape the ignorance I'm forced to reckon with on a daily basis.

I want to say and define the reasons I believe what I believe.

I need to be open-minded when people challenge my ideas.

I want to kill the insecurity I feel in regards to my art and self-worth.

I need to be happy with who I am and where I'm going.

Maybe someone will read this, but if no one ever does, it'll just be my little pillow fort.